Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Peace in the Quiet
It was on my 25th birthday that I packed up my whole world to enter a new one.
There isn't really any way to describe the feeling that you're left with after driving 70 miles on a gravel road to reach a destination that is in the middle of nowhere. It isn't really like any other I've ever felt. Panicky, would be a great way to describe it. I know the hunters and recreational fishermen who have made it their vacation destination for years, feel the complete opposite. When you have two boys under the age of 4 in the back seat, and you know that it's not a vacation spot, but a little more of a permanent destination, your thoughts tend to go a little static.
When we arrived at the house, I texted my Mom to tell her we were still alive (we are able to communicate with our iphones because of the wireless...messages are sent through imessage). I looked at my phone a few minutes later and the message had not gone through. The wireless was not working and we were left with no option of contact with the outside world except for the police radio. Soooo my complete detox from society began.
Silence can be a very scary thing when you're used to a LOT of noise, to too much noise. Those first couple of days of "silence" for me were so unsettling. The house was a complete and total disaster...boxes were everywhere, the boys were everywhere, and my husband was busy trying to get organized for his first day of work. I had no family members...or any humans that I knew, close by to come over and watch the boys for an hour so I could get caught up on house work and unpacking. That first week, my thoughts narrowed. I no longer had any concerns with what everyone else was thinking about at home...I didn't know what they were thinking because they were out of reach. Their thoughts were not accessible to me. My two children, my husband, my dog, myself, and our daily routines and needs were what concerned me. Exactly the way it should be, right?
After the first couple of days, the house started looking better and I was able to get the boys used to a new schedule. It took me several days to work up the nerve to go for a walk with the boys without Evan. I grew up playing in the woods. My little brother and I would go out for hours behind our house exploring. I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of being outside alone, but when you're 82 miles from the nearest hospital, your mind tends to run rampant with worst case scenarios. If something were to happen while we were on our walk, I would have to run back to our house to use the police radio or I'd have to run to the logging depot and hope someone was there so I could use the phone. Evan had seen a couple of bear cross the road in the few days we had been there....just a couple of reasons why I needed to work up the nerve to go for a walk!
When we got to the lake we walked down to the end of the dock. Andrew and I sat down and watched Jackson "fish" with his fishing pole. There was no one else around...it was so quiet. The sun was shining and the clouds were moving. I took a deep breath and heard nothing...and felt everything. I had a peace in my heart that I hadn't had in a long time. It was at this time that I really felt a sense of peace with my new home and with myself. The feeling that you get when you take a deep breath and your whole body relaxes when you exhale. I hadn't felt that feeling in a LONG time. The past year had been non stop go go go....my thoughts had not had any time to stop. Not once. I was constantly looking ahead. Looking forward to something that hadn't happened yet and losing little pieces of the present. During that first week it was truly as if my whole being was detoxing. My thoughts narrowed drastically. Everything was scaled back. In that moment at the lake, my thoughts were able to catch up and everything went quiet. Everything slowed down. I've never really thought about the phrase "peace and quiet". I think it takes some serious work and self evaluation to be able to be at peace in the quiet.